A List of Things You May Feel Inclined to Write a Thank You Letter For, but Shouldn’t

-Your dog always pooping on your neighbors lawn

-Pulling over the car right behind you

-Getting drunk enough to sleep with you

-A clean bathroom

-The laughter watching a blind person trip over a curb brought you

-Your co-workers consistent choice in skimpy skirts

-Your stockpile of honey packets from Starbucks

-The discarded box of porno mags you found in the dumpster

-Your friends NetFlix login

-Calling you back

-For not calling the cops on you for clearly using the corner of the train platform as a bathroom when you “just couldn’t take it any more”

A list of stupid-expensive shit I want for Christmas

I’ll go ahead and act like I don’t really want these super expensive luxury goods for Christmas. I might even hit you with some anti-consumerism quip, but really, if you bought me any of these, I would probably jump around like a child.

Persol 649 Sunglasses - $209

Now, I’ll take any verson you give me, but the Havana Brown with polarized lenses are the ones I see me rocking in my new Jag (see below). Why theses over the oh so popular Wayfarers you may be asking yourself? Well deep pocketed friend of mine, its because every JCrew shopping prick has a pair of Wayfarers already and I mean they only cost like 150 bucks, so, go ahead and donate a pair of those to the poor, I’m going with the Persol’s. Also, Steve McQueen rocked the Persol 649’s and I think we all know that I’m the living reincarnation of Mr. McQueen.

Red Wing 875 Boots - $230

So I have to keep the whole lumberjack look going, but I want to do it in that way that says “the only trees I deal with come in plastic bags”. So then, these boots are perfect, because their hip enough to wear to a swank bar but also sturdy enough to run across rough urban terrain from the buff guy in an Ed Hardy T-shirt who I may or may not have just called a pansy for wearing a shirt with “glitter” on it.

Jaguar XJL Super Sport - $113,575

Jags are classy cars and I’m a classy dude. Now I may not actually be able to afford to fill the tank of this car, but that’s ok because all I really want to do is chill out and smoke j’s in it and let the heated massage seats lull me to sleep. Now I have a lot of specifications concerning color and trim options so do make sure to consult me first. Because giving me this car with a color scheme not to my likening would just be a waste of time for the both of us.

Rolex GMT Master II Yellow Gold – $22,300

Now, maybe 22 grand is a lot for a watch, but can you put a price on looking like Terry Ritchardson? No. I didn’t think so. He’s a world icon and certainly a role model of mine. If I had this Rolex, I’m sure people would stop yelling at me for drunkenly firing the flash of my camera at them non-stop at parties and start taking me serious as an artist.