A List of Things You May Feel Inclined to Write a Thank You Letter For, but Shouldn’t

-Your dog always pooping on your neighbors lawn

-Pulling over the car right behind you

-Getting drunk enough to sleep with you

-A clean bathroom

-The laughter watching a blind person trip over a curb brought you

-Your co-workers consistent choice in skimpy skirts

-Your stockpile of honey packets from Starbucks

-The discarded box of porno mags you found in the dumpster

-Your friends NetFlix login

-Calling you back

-For not calling the cops on you for clearly using the corner of the train platform as a bathroom when you “just couldn’t take it any more”